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a somewhat inauspicious debut...

2011-03-20T03:33:00.000-07:00

Literally 5 minutes ago I was having a MSN-style debrief with my buddy Ez, and something she said stuck with me-

'It takes more guts to be led around a prep test than it does to ride a Grand Prix one!'

Because that is exactly what happened to me today.

Long story short, I attended my first open dressage competition, on my own horse since I was 18. It was also my first open comp as a Para rider.

Floated out to Bungendore Showground fine, spent the morning fairly calm (horse was perfect, couldn't care less where he was) and even held it together during the warm up despite feeling like I was going to a) faint, and b) barf.

Then I hit the arena and completely lost it.

It was like a switch went off in my head that stopped me from thinking rationally, it was horrible. I couldn't relax, or breathe, or release the death grip I had on my poor long suffering horse's mouth (props to Darcy for not losing his shit as well!), and above all couldn't keep a hold on my right rein properly, which resulted in us exiting stage right before movement #2.

Thankfully I have the world's most awesome instructor who had planted herself outside the arena In Case of Emergency and grabbed me before I jumped off my horse and threw a tantrum, and proceeded to lead me through the test at a walk, just so I could say I had done it.

As much as I am grappling with the embarrassment of it all I also (with a good deal of concentration) am able to list a few positive outcomes from the experience:

I floated my horse on a 1 hour trip in bad weather.
Despite the bad weather, I didn't scratch from the event.
Despite the bad weather and working myself into a nervous wreck, I still actually got on my horse in an unfamiliar environment, and warmed him up around unfamiliar horses.
My horse could not have behaved better, or been more calm, or coped with my fear any better than he did. He did look after me!
Despite losing my shit, I didn't just get off, throw a tantrum and leave.
I didn't forget which way to go in the test!

And above all, instead of throwing a tanty and vowing never to go to a competition again, I have formed a plan of attack for coping with any potential future episodes of Epic Meltdown:

Get on earlier, and just walk around the grounds with someone
Don't be too embarrassed to tell the judge that I am only going to walk the test, and not worry about getting any sort of score if I am not feeling up to it
Take my horse out to as many things as possible, even if I just get on and walk around without the competition pressure
Don't wipe down the reins with the same cloth I use to oil my gear, thereby making them more slippery *facepalm*
Ride in my comp boots at home more so I am used to them
Don't make a big song and dance about going somewhere, because all that results in is putting more pressure on myself to do well *double facepalm*

Many thanks to Amy, Lou, Pip, Tamara, Yasmin and my very patient mum for your support today :-) Especially thanks to Darcy for dealing so well with me and keeping his shit together when I couldn't!

Laziness is for the weak

2011-02-23T03:42:00.000-08:00

Well, actually...it's for me too apparently.

Given that there are people who actually DO follow this blog, here is a lil' update, just for you.

Aww...feeling the love yet?

Mr Darcy has settled in very well despite a few teething issues which saw him get an unplanned holiday over, well, my 6 weeks off work. Great timing D- try it in winter next time please >:(

I decided to pull his shoes off earlier than originally planned, however this had the rather UNplanned result of him deciding that his tootsies hurt just a little bit too much and hobbling around like an old man for a few weeks. He also decided that my trip to Melbourne was a great time to pretend to founder and scare the crap out of my stable buddy and my instructor. *facepalm*

Anyway- he's recovered from that and we are now back on track!

At the end of January I managed to get him to a clinic with David and Sandi Simons, the latter of whom managed to achieve the impossible and convinced D that yes, he CAN fit into my float. Once the lightbulb was tapped he happily loaded into his equine chariot and I towed him out to Belconnen (with me being a first time float-with-pony-attached driver- woot!)

We have a lesson planned this weekend with a visiting horsemanship instructor where I plan to tackle D's game of 'if-you-put-that-bit-near-my-mouth-I-will-stick-my-nose-in-the-air', which really isn't as much fun as it sounds, especially when one side can't raise their arms above shoulder height, and the other side can rescue kittens from trees with his face.

Aside from that I am planning on making my debut (or re-debut??) in the dressage ring next month at a small local competition. Once I get off my lazy backside and post the entry off.

Introducing Mr Darcy

2010-11-28T00:05:00.000-08:00

Double Divergence (stable name 'Darcy') arrived in my stable yesterday :D

He's a 7yo, 17hh TB gelding, who behaves like a 17yo not-TB. His favourite things to do are eat, and sleep, and stand still. He does everything in slow motion.

Education-wise he has got the basics and the beginnings of lateral work. My plan is to start with the basics so he and I can work out some sort of mutually beneficial arrangement whereby he goes forward in such a fashion that my legs don't fall off from the effort of asking.

I have a saddle fit booked for this week so hopefully he proper work will start after then. And with only two weeks left of work for the year before 6 weeks off I am going to have a great summer of playing ponies!

Our first outing is likely to be a small 'funkhana' out at Bungendore in about 3 weeks time. It will be my first open outing on my own horse since 2000. Looking forward to it, and hopefully I don't embarrass him (as it is far more likely to be that than the other way around, haha)

WATCH THIS SPACE

2010-11-14T22:40:00.001-08:00

...announcement coming soon!

...Oops

2010-10-03T04:28:00.000-07:00

I just realised that it's been early a month since I last updated...I maintain that I have been busy, and that this has nothing to do with my propensity to become distracted by shiny things.

BJ still seems unsound, we believe it is his hip. Unfortunately this meant that I had to bypass doing the video nationals due to a lack of horse to ride. (That, and the fact that my new jacket and breeches that I had to buy are still on layby. Seems there actually is a downside to losing a whole dress size, especially where competition riding wear is concerned. It's not cheap!)

My TB Jazz has returned to full work and is on the market. I've had a few interested people (and a few 'interesting' people!) look at him but no sale yet. The perfect person for him is out there, probably hiding under a rock or a horse rug. The perfect person unfortunately, is not the one looking after him and cleaning up his stable every morning.

Over this past weekend we had David and Sandi Simons return to Canberra for a clinic. I had a private lesson with David on Friday on BJ's paddockmate, and we worked on canter transitions as this has been a major sticking point for me. Cal has a very slow, flat canter so he is a good horse to practice on.

I've been watching the video of the lesson this evening and I noticed a few things (apart from the fact that I sound like a country bumpkin when I speak)

I am sitting FAR more upright than I used to. I think this has a lot to do with my confidence levels which have increased a lot lately.
I want to chop off my left leg. The right one behaves itself and stays where I tell it to. The left one seems to have a mind of its own and scrunches, turns outward and generally feels weaker. From the footage it appears that I need to put more weight in my left heel and make a concerted effort to turn in inwards.
I am too active in my upper body at the canter and need to work on swinging through the hips more and keeping my upper body still.
I need to swear less.

This week I am traveling interstate to view a couple of horses...exciting but a little scary. I am battling with 'am I really good enough???' doubts constantly. It isn't cool, but I'm working on it.

Poor BJ

2010-09-08T19:10:00.000-07:00

...is a sore pony :(

With the recent rain I wouldn't be surprised if he's been hooning around like an idiot and fallen flat on his face. In any case he's stepping short on the near hind, and needs a few days off and then reassessing later on.

Inside the mind of the underconfident rider.

2010-09-07T21:42:00.000-07:00

The more horse people I speak to, the more I am convinced that the issue of riding confidence is quite complicated, and hard to understand unless you've been there yourself.

I am posting this as I had an interesting conversation today with a person enquiring about my boy Jazz. When I explained he was for sale as I required a horse with a better education, I was questioned on why I wanted to buy a dressage trained horse and aim for higher level dressage when I had issues with cantering.

I found it difficult to explain the situation- I know in myself that I CAN ride, and I CAN canter, but there is the irrational 'what if I can't keep hold of the reins??' constantly in the back of my mind that causes me to tense up when asking for the transition. Then I fall into the trap of having the horse sense the tension and offer a rushy trot, which often brings the 'what if??' back to the front of my mind, and it just becomes a vicious circle of complete frustration. For me it's a huge mental block that seems to be stopping me from progressing as quickly as I'd like.

But how can you explain this to a person who has never suffered a lack of confidence?

I am very lucky in that I have an instructor who understand confidence issues, and friends who understand confidence issues, and access to a trainer who specialises in helping people to work through their confidence issues!

I have however come across the occasional person who, whether intentionally or not, seems to equate a lack of riding confidence with a lack of riding skill, which is what happened to me today. I was asked 'have you done a lot of cantering before?' Well, yes, I have. I'm not an unexperienced or unskilled rider by any means. I'm well and truly capable of riding a well trained dressage horse. I just need to re-wire my brain to make myself believe that I can!

I'm pretty certain that I'm not the only one who has run into this sort of issue. So, nervous nellies, how do you deal with it- your fears, expressing those fears, and the fallout from talking to your less understanding peers about it? What steps are you taking to work through those fears to achieve your goals?

Well, this weekend was a waste of time.

2010-09-06T05:22:00.000-07:00

Now I KNOW I shouldn't bitch about the rain...it's been so sorely needed for so long, but couldn't it just hold off till midweek? I lost a weekend of riding because of the foul weather. Bah.

Ok enough of my pointless whining- it's my biggest pet hate, haha.

--------
Thought I'd share a little recollection with you, it's kinda sad, kinda happy and kinda poignant (did I spell that right?).

The biggest shock to me in the initial months following the bushfire was not the fact that I had just survived something that no person should ever have to go though, nor was it the shock of losing my independence entirely, or even the news that the surgeons had had to amputate my fingers.

The biggest shock, and indeed the biggest hurt was the knowledge that despite everything I had not been able save my little Drew's life. In a strange way I felt like I had failed utterly. It was horrible.

I vowed early on that I was done with horses, that I never wanted to look at one ever again. Even the thought of them was just too painful. This conviction lasted a while actually.

Around May(ish, can't remember exactly) of that year one of the nurses decided to take me for a 'walk' (for a burns patient, a 'walk' basically consists of a lap or two around the nurses' station or up and down a corridor, by which time you are so exhausted you are ready to flop back into bed and are actually looking forward to the forthcoming hospital lunch). I had not been to the end of the corridor before, and this is where he took me. That particular facade of the hospital overlooks the Paramatta river (at least I think that's the one)- and on the other side of that is a small horse agistment paddock.

I must have stood there for 5 minutes before I realised that I was looking at a paddock full of horses, and doing so wasn't as unbearable as I thought it would be.
--------

Anyway, back to the present- I need to start riding after work, starting this week. Otherwise I'll be riding the cruddiest walk/trot video test ever. Eep!

Things to Remember

2010-08-29T19:07:00.000-07:00

I am not perfect, as much as I sometimes think I should be.

I cannot expect a 21yo TB who has largely done trail riding for many years to work wonderfully in the arena every ride, especially two days in a row.

If things aren't turning out as wonderful as the last ride, I must not beat myself up about it.

Positive points from yesterday's post-lesson session- I recognised the above and accepted them. I then went back to walk and established the forward button and consciously stayed aware of where I was looking. I began to fall into the 'what's he gonna shy at??' trap, and successfully pulled myself out of it.

So whilst yesterday's ride didn't go as well as the lesson in terms of dressage performance- it was a massive mental and emotional win. Yay!

Video from this morning- thanks Lan :)

2010-08-27T21:12:00.000-07:00

Only a couple of minutes long but you get the idea. I am not leaning forward nearly as much as I used to, nor am I constantly looking around for things for BJ to spook at!

In other news- do I really sound like that?? eep...

Lesson, complete with photos!

2010-08-27T19:47:00.000-07:00

My lesson was fantastic. Not a single 'OMG' moment, and not nearly as many arguments about the forward button either! It was wonderful being able to concentrate on myself and my riding position and aids rather than constantly battling to get a forward moving pony. We even got some consistent rounding up at both work and trot.

Poor BJ hasn't done this for a while and he tried his guts out to keep going and lifting his back into the contact. It can also be difficult to maintain a contact with my left arm as it doesn't bend and can't really soften as much as I need it to. Therefore Amy suggested that I need to really ride with my left leg when it is on the inside to override the left rein- and the horse will simply need to adjust.

Anyway- pics!

(I love that second one. He looks like a dressage pony hehe)

I have a video to post in a bit too- probably not till later on as I need to go get ready for BJ's owner's baby shower...

This blog needs a name

2010-08-27T03:55:00.000-07:00

Because '...' isn't cutting it.

Throw some name ideas at me guys- best suggestions wins...well, you don't really win anything but you will make me happy- that's just as good as a real prize, right?

Goals

2010-08-27T02:53:00.000-07:00

Opening it up to the floor (mainly so I can see who actually is reading this haha)

What are your goals for riding? In the book I mentioned in the earlier post, it was suggested that firming up some goals for yourself can help with motivation and confidence.

Start with a long term one, even if it sounds way out of your capabilities right now. I'll use mine as an example (I have not written this down before so bear with me k)

Long Term Goal: In 5 years, I want to ride at national level official Grade III Para-equestrian dressage. 5 years is probably a good timeframe, might take longer but I may achieve it sooner.

Next, break that down into the steps you need to take to achieve said long term goal.

Ok working backwards...

Compete at official EA Elementary level (open)
Ride a prelim test confidently and score over 60%
Go to a dressage competition off the property (prep is fine) without losing the plot
Enter the RDA national dressage video championships (unofficial trot section)

The fourth one is the closest one (silly me, videos have to be sent in by October 5th...) Let's break that one down. What do I need to do to achieve that goal?

Well, apart from the logistics of filming the test in which I need to book the showjumping arena at my agistment property and set up a 40x20m arena with walls no higher than 30cm, as well as make BJ look presentable, I need to:

Get a forward button happening
Work on my riding position and consistency of aids
Get the horse used to regular (well, 2-3 times a week!) arena work
Work on confidence levels- i.e. try to stop looking around for things for him to spook at :P
Aim for weekly lessons

I'll revisit these over the coming weeks. If I can convince my ground crew (aka Lan) to take some photos for me tomorrow I'll post after my lesson :)

Drugs are for losers...and hypnosis is for losers with big weird eyebrows.

2010-08-27T00:42:00.000-07:00

Also for chicken-shit wannabe dressage queens who need to get over themselves.

I am a rider who lacks some confidence- not surprising really when you think about it, given that I have had to re-learn how to ride without my handbrakes (i.e. deathgrip on reins when everything goes to hell in a handbasket). My latest 'OMG' moment is the fear of horses spooking- a few months back BJ had a random spack-out in the arena and I came off for the first time since 2001.

Anyway last year I decided that enough is well and truly enough and it's time I got over myself and acknowledged the fear issue, instead of running away from it. I've been attending Sandi Simons' confidence clinics whenever she is in town and I highly recommend them to wussbag riders like myself who want to not be a wussbag. However as Sandi is only in town once every few months I have been looking around for other ways to help myself, which brings me to the point of this post.

I've just finished the book Ride With Confidence!, a collection of work from a few different equestrian professionals. It contained a section on hypnotherapy by a practitioner called Susan Shinwell, which I found quite interesting. I've always wondered about hypnotherapy as I am a bit of a Dory and easily distracted, however Google seems to think the technique works even on the easily distracted so I hopped on over to Shinwell's website and downloaded an mp3 copy of her 'Flatwork and Schooling' self-hypnosis session.

Anyway since I went home early from work this afternoon I figured it would be a good chance to try it out and was delighted to discover that I didn't get distracted while listening to it! Shinwell recommends listening to the track once a day for two weeks, and then whenever needed.

Does it work? We shall see in my lesson tomorrow. Watch this space...

Hi

2010-08-19T23:01:00.000-07:00

This blog is intended as a public journey to achieving a goal I made while recovering from a burn injury in 2003. I'm hoping that sharing the experience will keep me motivated and stave off the fear of failure that has kept me from progressing in the last few years!

I am in the early stages of searching for my next horse- this will, I hope be a dressage schoolmaster that will enable me to begin learning the higher movements, gain confidence and experience in the competition arena. My current horse Jazz is sadly unsuited for this purpose and will soon be offered for sale.

After a few years of riding for pleasure I am starting regular lessons on a borrowed horse, BJ. I will write about these along with my horse search. My first short term goal is to enter the 2010 RDA National Dressage Video Championships next month...